Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?” In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.” The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?” “I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.” “Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?” The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price…”


I once dated a lady. who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes.  Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.


I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.  It’s all about raisin awareness


If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.  Now that’s humerus.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.  Now I have Heinzsight


Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven


Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers.  A crow has 16.  So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion


I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.  I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!”  The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard.  He’s a stand-up chameleon.”


I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.  I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.


Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar.  He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”


Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth.  Then it’s a soap opera.


The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.


Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court.  It was a brief case.


How much does a chimney cost?  Nothing.  It’s on the house.


Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.  He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.


Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves.  Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.


My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.  That’s right … Jack and the beans talk.


I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.  You probably have not heard of herbivore.


I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.


Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker.  That’s right.  The steaks were pretty high.


I went to the paint store to get thinner.  It didn’t work.


I tried telling chemisty jokes, but I wasn’t getting any reaction.